But it was more than what it was then; it was perhaps the integral consequence of years of scurrying around, of making do with life with less than a whole of one’s heart, the calculus of one’s life upset by ever-widening circuits of concerns in which, repeatedly, one was entangled.
She had to get out of here. But there was nowhere to go. Only the sea, deep and brown and salty. There was also school, but that was its own kind of imprisonment. So she put away her plate and went back to her room. It was small, but it seemed expansive, because it was the only place that the baby hadn’t yet invaded. Starfished on the bed, Romi envisioned what her life would be like if she could just make it out, out of this little house, out of this tiny space, and out to the city above.
The Circle has a gutter cap tight in the middle of it, and beyond that a ladder that descends to the ground. Around the first steps of the ladder the couple have placed a mattress, a steel box filled with odds and ends, and a broken wooden crate that could be considered their cupboard. In the shadowy corner is a small metal box that is Nina’s alone and Kaz stays well away from it.
Grocery stores wiped clean, eyes glued to screens, ears drinking up any pieces of information given. Workplaces scheduled a closing down day when the time came. The hotel I worked at put together a ‘last lunch’ for the guests and the staff. Not a dry eye was seen in the room.
“All those lives, my love above all, weigh infinitely more. I want to close my eyes for a second but my eyelids barely flicker. The solution is doing its silent work. Only a little of the path remains now and my greying mind is starting to shutter. Remember, if you meet the Buddha on a road, make sure to kill him. No one ever needed the man, only the idea of him and his unfathomable smile.”
Whether we are in a simulation or not should have no effect on our sense of selfhood. We are who we are, or who we are simulated to be: in either case we have no option but to be ourselves.
The screens in the projecting room were black when she entered. The door sealed behind her, shutting out the light. A prickle of something like nervousness traveled her skin. It wasn’t that she mistrusted Adonis; his intentions were nothing but good. No, this was a different sort of nerves. Something she hadn’t felt since… oh, maybe college?