“Are you ready?”
It’s a little too late to be asking Her that, but She ponders the question as She continues to stare out the windows at the lush, hilly tea plantations rolling by. They mimic the way Mother-in-law is kneading Her hand at the moment. She wonders if Mother-in-law can feel Her erratic pulse. She takes a deep breath, but before She can respond, Mother-in-law barrels forward.
“You are ready. You were born ready. You are a married woman, and now finally, about to be a mother. You are fulfilling your purpose,” Mother-in-law says proudly as she moves from rubbing Her hand to Her shoulders. “It’s almost time. I am finally going to be an Archi.”
“Amma,” Husband says from the front seat. She looks up and catches his eyes in the rearview mirror. “Please, that’s enough. Let our new ammi have a little peace while she can, huh.” He gives Her a quick smile before Father-in-law taps his shoulder, pointing for him to make a turn. Mother-in-law grumbles for them to hurry up because she can’t take the excitement. The road gets a little bumpier, which doesn’t help Her nerves at all.
An ammi. A mother. She’s going to meet Her baby soon. How did this happen? She knows how this happened. Why did this happen? That, She’s not so sure. Will She be any good at it? The longer they drive, the tighter Her chest gets, until it feels as dense as the jungle around them. When it seems like She might blackout from the pressure of the darkness, the land opens up in front of them. The trees all but disappear behind them as they continue driving down the road.
Mother-in-law gasps, so She turns to look out her window. It is impressive. So much land, you would think that you were truly out in the wild, one with Mother Nature, a reference to the aptly named facility. But it’s not hard to miss where man has interjected himself, from the metal fencing surrounding the property and the plethora of security stationed around the grounds, to the Mother Nature Center itself–a glass monstrosity of a medical center.
They start to slow down as they get closer to the gated entrance. She turns back to Her own window to see a number of people lining the road on both sides with signs up ahead. They sound muffled, so She puts Her window down a bit to hear the people on Her side. “You shouldn’t be able to choose.” “It’s not natural.” “Picking isn’t fair.”
Mother-in-law sucks her teeth. “All this noise and nonsense. Why are they even allowed here?” Mother-in-law turns to Her and smiles, “You look lovely, darling. Are you excited to meet your baby?” She starts to stroke Her hair. “You are going to make a wonderful ammi. What a beautiful family you will have.” Mother-in-law continues to stroke Her hair as they stop at the gate. Husband and the security guard exchange words and documents as some other guards circle the car. Mother-in-law’s strokes turn into a swift tug on Her hair which causes Her to sit up straight as the guards peer into the car. Finally, the guards step back and the gate opens.
They drive up to the center and pull into a parking spot. Mother-in-law, Father-in-law, and Husband, get out of the car. She sits in the car with Her hand on the door knob. Before She knows it, the door is opening and Husband is crouched in front of her. He grabs Her hands and looks up at Her. He kisses Her fingers and continues to look at Her. She takes a deep breath and, with his assistance, steps out of the car. They walk into the center hand in hand, with Mother-in-law leading the way.
The doors slide open to an expansive lobby area. There is a waiting area to the right, filled with people. Father-in-law is already halfway to a chair. To the left is the front desk, which is where they head, although She can’t stop staring ahead. The entire wall in front of them is glass, right behind it, the fields. She can’t make anything out, but the gravity of what is about to happen overwhelms Her.
They are finally at the front desk so She turns to look at the receptionist. “Welcome to Mother Nature. How can I help you?”
Mother-in-law claps her hands, “We are here to have a baby,” She points in Her direction as if there was any question as to who. The receptionist smiles, “Congratulations. Can I please have the IDs of the parents?” They hand them over, and a few minutes later, “Perfect, it looks like you already pre-filled everything we needed. I have confirmed that you are all set. If you can step over to the right, someone will be with you soon. Feel free to have a seat.”
They move closer to the glass wall as they wait for what is next. She squints with the hope of seeing something, anything. All of a sudden Her view is blocked. She looks up to first, a name tag “Doula Aiya” and then to a face smiling down at her. “Hello everyone. Welcome. I am Doula Aiya and I will be with you today for this special occasion.” Doula Aiya clasps her hands, “You must be our new ammi. How are you feeling?” he scrunches his forehead in concern when She doesn’t respond, “Do you need anything? Water? Rest?” She finally shakes Her head, to which he nods, pats Her hand, and turns his attention to the rest of the group.
“I am here to support you during this special time. You are having a baby today. And how wonderful that you have such a great support group. This is very important for getting you through this arduous and at times intense experience. But like I said, I am here to support you.” Doula Aiya brings his attention back to Her. “Is this your first child?” She nods. “Amazing. There is nothing like the first time. I’m sure so many people have given you advice and tips on what to do and think, but none of that matters when you are in it.”
Mother-in-law steps up. “Oh we are not worried. She is going to do great. She is a wonderful daughter, so good, so well-behaved, makes the right choices, we got lucky with this one, not like some of my other friend’s daughters, which means we are going to have a wonderful grandchild.” Mother-in-law laughs, and Doula Aiya laughs genially with her.
“Well, if everyone is ready, let’s go have a baby!” Doula Aiya turns his body, “Ammi, follow me.” The group starts to walk towards the glass wall as Doula Aiya talks. “For those of you that don’t know, the Mother Nature Center has existed on this land for over five hundred years.” The glass doors open up and She has to shield Her eyes from the sun as they make their way outside. “It is one of the last natural birthing centers to be founded, and as such we have prided ourselves in our ability to protect our fetuses from inorganic materials and pollution, to date we have not seen any effects from increases in local Palm Oil harvesting as well as runoff pesticides.” Mother-in-law preens in delight. “As you know, babies are a product of their environments, so we are diligent in controlling the environment as much as we can.”
Doula Aiya stops right before the field. “Before we make our way, I want to note a couple of things. Please stay close to me and do not stray off the paths, while there are a number of areas that we can all be together, Ammi goes through birthing alone and as such is the only one welcomed onto the field.” She closes Her eyes. “Oh don’t be nervous. We will be supporting you up until and from the sidelines.” Husband squeezes Her hand. “Any questions?” Her brain is blank, as if the sun is glaring into Her skull.
Mother-in-law addresses Doula Aiya. “I know things have changed a lot since I had babies, but I’ve talked to a lot of my friends who have been having grandchildren.” Mother-in-law steps closer. “We just want to make sure that we are making the best decisions for our family and our baby. It’s my understanding that now a days, there are…there is a lot more to take into consideration starting a family. And by looking at the size of the fields…” Mother-in-law sweeps her hand across the field, “there are a lot more options.”
Doula Aiya smiles softly, “You are right.” Doula Aiya turns to the parents. “You pre-filled out a number of documents, took many written exams, gave blood samples, and shared photos from chronological milestones in your life. Our genetics team was able to use all this vital information to inform who your baby could be.” Doula Aiya points his arm to the right and starts walking, so everyone follows. “We have a 98% accuracy rate, meaning that more times than not, your baby is exactly who we say they are. However, all we do is advise.” The group continues walking to what looks like a large open patch in the middle of the field.
As they continue walking, She looks around. They were told that today was an auspicious day, so to be prepared that there would be a significant number of people for today’s birth date alone. She watches groups like theirs, meandering about the different patches. Patches filled with cabbage like plants, people on their tiptoes trying to peek into the closest plants that haven’t opened up yet. One woman is crouched down, caressing a small, tightly enclosed darker green cultivar as the group a couple of feet away watches, smiling through tears. She doesn’t realize that Her own group has stopped until She walks straight into Husband. He turns around quickly and grabs Her by the arms. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? Do you need to sit?”
She quickly shakes Her head. He stares into Her eyes before putting his arm over Her shoulder. Doula Aiya beckons the couple closer before pointing his arm to the patch a couple of feet away. “Based on what you have shared with us, we believe your baby is just out there.” She turns Her head to look out to where he is pointing. The patch is filled, She quickly counts four rows of four. She cocks Her head to the side and stares harder, focusing. She can see that the plants are pulsing slightly, breathing, quickly. She tries to match Her breathing to their rhythm. InoutInoutInout. Just like that, it’s time to have a baby. Before She can take a step out however, Mother-in-law speaks up.
“This patch is out in the sun. Do you not have any that have grown in the shade?”
Doula Aiya doesn’t miss a beat, his features show no judgment, as he points to a number of areas with trees, “We do have areas under shade but they are not full term yet.”
Mother-in-law is not pleased. “None at all?”
Doula Aiya looks like he takes a moment to think before responding, “We have a couple that I can think of, but we will have to walk around to find them.”
She claps her hands, “Great, that’s fine.” They follow Doula Aiya’s lead. “We know our daughter is dark, what to do right? But this is very important to us. Right?” Mother-in-law turns to Her.
She nods. Doula Aiya nods, “It is to a lot of families, which is why we currently don’t have many, but we can see who is here, and if it is meant to be, it will be.”
If it is meant to be, it will, She repeats to Herself.
“Yes, yes.” Mother-in-law says. “Oh we cannot wait to meet them. We just want to make sure we pick the right one. We have talked a lot about what their child will be like.”
Doula Aiya looks intrigued. “And what do you think their child will be like? This would be very helpful as we work on delivering your baby to you.” He looks to the couple, Mother-in-law responds.
“Well, for a daughter, we want her to be artistic, listen well, be smart-”, Doula Aiya respectfully interjects, “Ah yes, curious and inquisitive.” Mother-in-law shakes her head no, “Will follow directions, and knows what is right. Just like our daughter-in-law.” Mother-in-law looks over at Her, smiling. As does Doula Aiya.
Doula Aiya speaks up, “What about a son?” He doesn’t stop walking as he points over to an area on their far left. The dirt looks like rocks and the patch isn’t close to anything else. “Those over there have grown in very harsh conditions, rocky dirt, and weathered many storms with no assistance. We find that they grow to be strong and dependable.”
They walk by an area that looks to have just been watered, it’s very lush and earthy. “These over here, this area sank into a water hole many years ago after a heavy rain. We have found that they grow up to be more fluid, you will need to show these boys the right way, but they will be kind, loving, and soft-spoken.” She hears Mother-in-law murmur a “no thank you” as they continue walking.
She is still looking at the damp area, when Her ears pick up a sound. It sounds like a kitten. She looks around and hones in on where the sound is coming from, it’s from one of the patches. She takes a step closer. Husband grabs Her hand, “Where are you going?”
“Don’t you hear that?” She asks him.
He looks around, “Hear what?”
She steps closer in the direction of the sound. “That noise. It sounds like…Excuse me, Doula Aiya.” The group stops and turns towards her, Doula Aiya with a smile, Mother-in-law in surprise, and Father-in-law placid. “What is that sound? It sounds like a kitten, are there animals allowed in the fields?”
Doula Aiya walks back until he is standing right next to Her, closes his eyes, opens them with a pop and then steps away from Her as he presses his finger into his ear and mouths something that She can’t make it. “What is it?” She asks.
“Nothing to worry about, that is just a baby that is almost ready to make their entrance into the world.”
Mother-in-law steps up, “Is that normal? There is no one around to have the baby. How can that be?”
“It does not happen very often, but sometimes a baby will mature before they can connect with a mother. They are ready to start their lives, they don’t follow the rules.” He laughs. “Our staff will take care of them.”
She looks out at the patch where the sound has risen in intensity. “That’s a baby crying?” Doula Aiya nods. “What will happen to them?”
Doula Aiya looks at Her, “They will be well taken care of, no need to worry.”
“But how?” She asks.
“Please” Mother-in-law admonishes. “This is not the time.” She locks eyes with Mother-in-law defiantly for a split second, to Mother-in-law’s surprise, before Doula Aiya speaks up. “Thank you for bringing our attention to them, and sorry for the inconvenience. Is everyone alright and ready to continue?” Mother-in-law nods and they start moving. She continues to look at the lonely patch and only starts moving because Husband gently tugs Her along. She can’t tell if the cries are following Her, or if they are just getting louder and longer. Her connection is broken by Doula Aiya’s quiet voice, “Do you see in these trees, those branches?” He points out some pods that are hanging down. “We’ve found that these conditions lead to babies that have no fear, who are very brave. This can translate to willingness to try new things and do anything to get things done. Innovators. Entrepreneurs. That sort.”
He gestures for them to stay quiet and points out a woman who is currently cradling a pod that is still connected to the tree. They watch as the woman struggles to pull the pod off the tree. The woman’s face is red and sweaty, as if they are pulling with all their might. With a grunt, the woman pulls the pod off the branch and ends up falling on her bottom with the pod in her lap. The woman starts to cry as they slowly put their hand into the tip of the pod, pulling away the thick leaves, bringing into view the fair baby that is cocooned inside, to the excitement of the group a few feet away from the woman. She can’t watch anymore, so She starts to look at the ground.
“No fear?” Mother-in-law quips? “That’s not practical, they could send our family into ruin taking unnecessary risk.” She turns to her son. “They will leave you, and who will take care of you both when you are old? No, no thank you.” Husband nods.
Doula Aiya takes that as his cue to keep moving. She looks up at the sound of a sharp cry, to see the woman holding her baby, bare of its pod, in her arms. Facility workers are gathered around her family, waiting for the new mother to step off the path. She catches a glimpse of the baby’s face; the baby looks calm, content. So where did that cry come from? She realizes it is behind Her, the same cries from before, but impossibly stronger. She catches one of the facility worker’s with the new mother pressing their ear like Doula Aiya did, before continuing to provide aid. She looks at the patch and sees that it is still empty of people; families are actively avoiding it.
“We’re here.” Doula Aiya says. She looks up. They are at a patch that is shaded by some breadfruit trees. “And look! There are a couple, just as I thought. We are in luck. Normally we don’t allow fair areas like this to be cleared out, but we needed to make sure that all the babies were delivered before the breadfruit ripened and fell.” He gestures up to the tree. “Also, I’ll let you in on a little secret.” Mother-in-law steps closer to him. “I might have been telling everyone that this field was already cleared. Just so I had this in my pocket for special families.” Mother-in-law laughs gleefully.
“Oh Doula Aiya, thank you.” Mother-in-law grabs Her and pulls Her towards the edge of the plot. “Look, your baby is out there.” She looks out. The greens are leafy, almost like butter lettuce. She counts five of them spread out. “Are they boys or girls?”
“This field is all boys.” Doula Aiya says softly behind them. Mother-in-law squeals again, a boy. She turns to Husband and sees Father-in-law clasping his shoulder. A boy. A baby boy. A baby. She is about to have a baby. A baby that will be in their home. Crying. Needing Her. She can already hear their baby crying in her head. So loud, so shrill, asking Her to hear them.
But those cries are not in Her head. They are carrying from a ways away. From that field. She knows exactly where it’s emanating from, it’s a beacon implanting its coordinates in her mind. Mother-in-law’s sharp tone breaks through the noise. “What are you waiting for? It’s time.” Mother-in-law looks concerned watching Her stare out, and tightens her grip on Her hand. She shakes Her head roughly in an effort to focus on what is ahead. She feels arms come around Her from behind, and gently hug Her.
“You’ve got this,” Husband says. He kisses Her softly on the forehead. “You can do this. I’m so grateful, you are giving me a son.” She looks up at him, and he exudes pure joy. “We are going to be parents. You are going to make us parents.” With one more kiss he lets go and gently pushes Her forward. But She doesn’t get very far as Mother-in-law is still holding onto Her.
“All you have to do,” Mother-in-law says, “is go into that field. And get your baby. Any baby. You can do that, right?” Can She do that? “Right?” She nods. Mother-in-law hugs Her tightly to the point that Husband has to pull her off. They stand off next to Father-in-law, who nods his head at Her, before Doula Aiya fills the space that they were once in.
“Are you ready?” She lets out a soft laugh, then covers Her mouth immediately. This is not the time to laugh. Doula Aiya takes it in stride. “Feel what you need to feel, react how you need to react. There is no right or wrong.” He walks Her closer to the edge of the field. “The beauty in this moment, is that everything you need,” he taps the middle of his chest, “is in here. You already know what to do. Science, and folklore, tell us you already inherently know who is yours. The choice is yours, and it isn’t, which to me means there is no wrong choice.” They are both facing the field, standing there in silence. “Let’s take a deep breath together.” She hears him breath in, She holds Her breath. “And out.” He breathes out. And She lurches forward onto the field, surprising them both.
She has a couple meters to walk before She is even close to the first green bundle. There is no one around. Normally in heavy situations like this, She hears a roaring in her head, white noise. But all she can hear right now, are those cries. Those piercing cries. The baby who is ready to start their life. The baby that just wants to be heard. Why hasn’t anyone done anything yet? What is going to be done? Where is baby girl going to end up? This stops Her in Her tracks. That baby is a girl. She knows it. Poor baby girl. Poor Chuti Duwa.
She keeps walking and finally comes up to the first bundle. She crouches down, the leaves have opened up a little, so at just the right angle, she can see the side profile of the little face. So at peace and comfortable. Little lips softly suckling the air. Not a stress in the world, not yet.
Not like Chuti Duwa, whose face is probably scrunched up like used aluminum foil. Pink in the cheeks from not being able to catch her breath after every wail. Damp from sweat and tears. She pops up, and keeps walking. How is She supposed to know what is right? How is She supposed to choose? All this talk of knowing and belonging, when in reality, these babies don’t belong to anyone. They belong to the earth. They always have. At one point, She did, they all did. And yet, She has a choice. She should know. Who gave her the right? She is supposed to do right by everyone else. This doesn’t feel natural.
Mother-in-law said to go into this field and deliver their baby. Her baby. She means Hers. That’s all She has to do. The roaring fills Her head. She walks up to another bundle, circles around it. She puts Her hand on the leaves and can feel it beating, breathing, against Her palm. She looks up, still bent over, and sees Husband, Mother-in-law, Father-in-law, and Doula Aiya all looking on in anticipation. Mother-in-law is crying and clapping her hands, Doula Aiya with a serene smile on his face, Father-in-law giving nothing, and Husband, nodding his head, smiling.
This is what he wants. This is what he has always wanted. He trusts Her to give him a baby. She is going to give him a baby. She looks down again, this is it. Her heart is trying to punch its way through Her chest. She puts both hands around the bundle, and plants Her feet, getting ready to pull up, when She catches a commotion to Her left. She turns Her head and sees facility workers surrounding the field where the cries are coming from. They are carrying shears. Shears. What for? Sharp cries, grating and raspy, break through the white noise as She sees the workers take their first step onto the field. The field they shouldn’t be allowed to step on. But they are. Because Chuti Duwa is ready to go, but the world isn’t ready for her.
She already knows what to do. She already knows who is Hers. There was never a choice. She knows. So she runs. Runs toward the cries. She vaguely hears muffled yelling coming from the direction of Her family behind Her, but She doesn’t look. She keeps running, Her beacon calling Her. She makes it off of the patch She was on, and bolts onto the next field, past the facility workers who all seem frozen in place. This field is not as empty as the one She came from, so She is sidestepping and leaping over bushels and bundles, but somehow, She makes it. She looks down, and there She is. The leaves surround her completely flattened on the field from all her thrashing, small fists balled up, face comically and heartbreakingly in the throes of crying, but no sound is coming out, her voice is gone.
She bends down and tries to get Her hands around squirming Chuti Duwa. She gets into a squat to plant Herself better, and with Her hands around Chuti Duwa as securely as possible, She starts to pull up. No give. She pulls again. Chuti Duwa throws her head back, almost flipping out of Her hands, but still connected to the ground. She looks up and finally registers everyone around them, watching, Her family at some point having made their way over. Mother-in-law in hysterics, Father-in-law not pleased, Husband in distress, and Doula Aiya holding up Mother-in-law, but aptly watching the scene. She looks down again. She doesn’t have time to think about what everyone will say, if they will have a home, how they will live. She doesn’t see the security that is starting to surround the plot, can’t plan for how they are going to get through the quickly thickening screen of bodies . She’s focused on this moment. On Chuti Duwa.
She brings Her hand close to Chuti Duwa’s head, lets it hover nervously, before finally, She strokes softly. This causes Chuti Duwa to tense up. To Her shock, Chuti Duwa opens her eyes and looks directly into Hers. They stay like this for a beat, and in that moment of shock and something else, She puts all Her energy into a big pull, and with a bellow and a snap, Chuti Duwa is in Her arms, screaming again, much to Her relief and, and happiness. She stands there with Her baby, Her baby, cradling her in the midst of the chaos that is muffled around them. She cuddles Her wailing Chuti Duwa, swaying right and left.
After a moment, She lets out Her first deep breath, and like a prayer whispers, “Fulfilling my purpose. You, are my purpose.” Affirmed, she begins walking them into their new world.